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I have just returned from a jog. It’s shocking to admit this fact. I think it could have been many years since the previous time. But I found out recently that I have elevated cholesterol, and the recommendation was to engage in vigorous activity on a consistent basis.

For the first time ever in living memory that the driving force to exercise has been my physical health. In my youth, I jogged because I desired to be thinner. I also jogged to alleviate my anxiety – I was just running away from the anxiety, without confronting it. On other occasions, I jogged because I aimed to enhance in running. It signified the definition to me then to create a superior lifestyle.

Jogging with altered intent at present got me thinking about the methods I’ve connected with my body over my lifetime and how this is changing as I transition from early adulthood to being a middle-aged person. It seems unlikely I’ve respected my body, not truly. I’ve valued it solely for its roles and the purposes it provided: aiming to appeal; dodging sentiments; running a faster five kilometers. Previously, I failed to grasp that my body is me, it is my existence, rather than a tool for outcomes.

Much has been written over the centuries about the separation of mind and body – a topic you will be relieved to know, I won’t summarize here. What has struck me most intriguing is Freud’s understanding that consciousness and physique are developmentally integrated from the beginning, because physical maturation demands psychological development and conversely. A baby’s corporeal feelings – for example the physical sensation of hunger – motivate the brain to develop the capacity to identify hunger as a sensation that is alleviated by nourishment; and the emotional comfort and fulfillment consistently provided by feed after feed nourishes the infant’s psyche similar to the food fuels them physically. Similarly psychological experiences – for instance the wish to rise and reach for something, and the resolve to attempt repeatedly – are the reason and method muscles grow stronger. From our earliest moments, mind and body are interconnected in shared growth as integrated as a spiral.

But It’s become clear, during therapy with my therapist, that my mind and body may exist in a different kind of relationship – a less unified and more exploitative. My mind may employ my physique to hold and manifest things that my consciousness considers unwanted or intolerable. During therapy we realized how exist specific feelings that I fear I cannot bear; in place of experiencing them mentally, I subconsciously shift them into my body, becoming trapped as corporeal issues.

I often had digestive discomfort – not connected to my diet, but represented a form of bodily backlash of the harsher emotions I couldn’t digest in my mind. This wasn’t a deliberate decision, but when it was brought to awareness by my analyst, and my anxiety and insecurity and rage and alarm became palpable and expressed verbally instead of converted to bodily feelings, it vanished. It’s uncommon for me from stomach problems currently.

The most severe episode I endured this terrible acid reflux, I was unable to sleep for multiple consecutive nights. I felt I was slipping away from my mind. I consulted a general practitioner, who arranged multiple diagnostic procedures, but no issues were found physically wrong. It turned out to be an alternate medic who told me that the root could be psychological. My therapist concurred. I was shocked, but I recognized it to be true.

If an individual is suffering a bodily issue, they might feel insulted upon hearing that there might be a psychological cause. They might feel like disrespect, hearing that their illness isn’t real. Naturally that does happen – people can have their symptoms discounted or misdiagnosed. But in some cases it’s possible that the bodily signs are genuine – without doubt – and the origin is psychological, the inner mind employing the body to express emotional hurt or fury or whichever sentiment awareness cannot tolerate. Sometimes, we may believe our feelings only has value when it is expressed through the body. We often undervalue our psychological well-being as individuals, collectively and culturally; for what reason would we tolerate the appalling reduction of psychodynamic psychotherapy in public healthcare?

Life lessons have taught me that a superior lifestyle cannot be built if we remain trapped unawares in ways of relating, within ourselves and with others, that stem from disregard, manipulation and dealings. These dynamics are often easier to identify “in the world” in wider society. It may be more challenging to think about how they got out there, and to recognise these patterns inside us and among loved ones, in the dynamics of our minds.

Yet it’s valuable to continue. When I put my trainers once more after such a long decade, going outside without aiming for physical improvement, or to escape an emotion, or to surpass a personal best, {it